I feel so bad when I remember all the times I could say “I love you” but never did, or how many hugs I could gave him but never did. Urg my arms miss him so badly, my ears miss to hear his voice, and his kinna weird way to laugh.

Its funny, I miss more his bad habits and thats what I would love to hear the most, the way he slurp the soup… he did so many weird noises muahahaha.

Ack its so sad, it should be me, i should be dead instead of him.

I cant stop feeling so bad when I heard my mom cry everynight.

I miss him, God why did you take him so soon?

Please let me see him when I die… am I good enough to see him?

My mom says he is always watching us, but I hope he isnt so he wont see how bad I really am.

I made a pincky promess with a friend about trying not to cut

and i think i’m about to break it

i’m sick

of this endless war

i’m sick

of this fight with myself

second by second

trying to move on

pretending i’m alright

not knowing which part of me is broken

is it my soul?

my heart?

my mind?

what is it that makes me feel so bad????????????????

i hate it

everysecond of it

its a suffocating feeling

which idk how much i could handle it

.. for cutting..

what are my reason.. of wanting to cut my own fless?

How even i’m destructive with my own body, i can’t destroy my entire life.

Is like playing with suicide…you know.. not actually die.. but pretend i might one day, stare at the blood, Somehow, thats the only way i like myself, bleeding, that scarlet color really suits me.  Blood really covers all my defects, i can be pretty for one moment, i can punish myself for being myself, i can cry without trying to flow tears from my eyes after they have totally dried., .  That itching feeling when your clothes touch your skin after cut .. *sigh* i so miss it.

How come people want me to stop it, its not like smoking, it won’t give my cancer, it makes me feel better.

But still, admiting that i do it, makes me feel weak, and when people see my cuttings, the flesh ones, makes me feel, like unprotected, like i were naked, they can see my weakness, they will see that i can’t face life as they do, that i’m weak,.

I hate me.. i hate me i hate me, so proly thats the main reason i feel like hurting myself.
I like to cut and all, but i hate how is that thought is like 89%  [or more] of the time  in my head, i’m always thinking of it, …ALWAYS in my head, remembering the feeling, the smell of it, its color, its sensation… i can’t stop..
I’m staring at my arm at this moment, i see the scars, i hate people to see them, but i want more, i want more deeps one, i want to cover all my arm, my legs.. i have even feel the urge to cut my face but i havent’ do it.

I haven’t do it in like 2 weeks and i can’t hold it, but i can’t cut cuz there is nothing sharp in this damn house, its 3 am and i can’t sleep.

is not that i asked to be born in the first place
i born not cuz i wanted to..
its not like i told you and my mom to have sex before time and have me even you dind’t want.

-
i know i’m not a great daughter
i know i might not dress like you want, talk as you want, act like you want
but i’m doing my best
i know your life isn’t easy.. and you are wokring hard.. not only cuz of me .. but my sisters also
but being here..today..wasn’t easy for me either
you have no idea what iwent throw while you were “working”
what they did to me when you weren’t home
what happened to me when i wasn’t in home
how hard is sometimes..to wake up and face the day

i know i sucked at college…. and i’m trying to recover right now.. might be late.. but i’m “TRYING”
i know i did bad in anatomy at the begginng.. but i tried my best and got a 28/30 in my finals.. even at the end i got 62.. but i still can take another test to recover that grade..but i havent fail
why you are not happy for me cuz of that?… i proved something — i got the highest score in the final.. proly didn’t got the 70-.but i haven’t fail..

why aren’t you proud

i know i’m not a good kid.. but could you at least FAKE you are proud of me
at least ONCE

its already painfull to think i’m only a waste of money and time.. please stop remember it to me
its not that i asked to be here

besides.. know why i took so long to come home today?

cuz i was buying your fucking gift for fathers day..so why you yelled to me.. i didn’t want to say it cuz i wanted it to be a surprise

You know life has lots and lots of questions.. that proly we will never got an answer..

… things that proly only God knows?

- When the world is going to end?

- Why when you don’t have money you see something you would like to buy and when you have the money.. you dont’ see ANYTHING you would like to buy o__O

- Animals have souls?

- What is after death?

- Does ghosts really exist?

- Alies REALLY exist?

- How sure we are that one day the cure of big disease like cancer or aids.. will apear?

- Who ws jack the stripper?

- How the first life in the earth came..

- Why people can be suck pathetic monster who love to kill and hurt

- Is there a way to fix life?

- why is that i feel like shit most of my time?

- what is in the future for me?

- do i really love him?

- want i really want?

life is such a complicate things.. we will never know so many things.. and somethings is better to not be known ^^